| Resources | |
| Index ACoACodependencyAbuse Alt Sexuality Contact us | |
If you are an ACoAor know someone who is, contact the local chapter of How many COAs are there? How many become alcoholics? What about the other COAs?Based on stories from adult COAs in professional treatment and self- helpprograms, it appears all children are affected by family alcoholism. But,going back to the good news, many of them make positive adjustments to their families alcoholism. Even COAs in high- risk environments with other chronic sources of stress including poverty, racism, disrupted marriages, serious emotional problems, and histories of abuse and neglect -- are often able to overcome these painful beginnings and create healthy, fulfilling lives for themselves. The ProblemMany of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households. We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. We lived live from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents. These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions. This is a description, not an indictment. Charecteristics of The Adult Child There is no absolute definition of an "adult child. Most adult children have in common a set of dysfunctional ways of behaving which interfere with or simply take the joy out of daily living. These have been gathered from several resources
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is. Adult children judge themselves without mercy Your judgment of others is not nearly as harsh as your judgement of yourself, although it is hard for you to see other people's behaviour in terms of a continuum either. Black and white, good or bad, are typically the way you look at things. You know what it feels like to be bad, and how those feelings make you behave. And then if you are good there is always the risk that it won't last. So either way you set yourself up.
Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation.The message you got as a child was very confused. It was not unconditional love. The definitions were not clear and the messages were mixed. "Yes, no, I love you, go away." So you grew up with some confusion about yourself. The affirmations you did not get on a day-to-day basis as a child, you interpret as negative We take ourselves too seriously. We have dificulty having fun These two characteristics are closely linked. You didn't hear your parents laughing and joking and fooling around. Life was a very serious, angry business. The tone in your house put a damper on your fun. Eventually, you just went along with everybody else. Having fun just was not fun. The spontaneous child within was quashed. We have difficulty in intimate relationships The feelings of being insecure or having difficulty in trusting, and of questions about whether or not you are going to get hurt are not exclusive to adult children. These are problems most people have. It is simply a matter of degree, your being a child of a alcoholic caused the ordinary difficulties to become more severe
We usually feel different from other people. We are super responsible or super irresponsible We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our faults or our responsibility to ourselves. We are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved Adult children are impulsive. We tend to lock ourselves into a cause of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of our environment. As a result more energy is spent cleaning up the mess than would have been spent had the alternatives and consequences been examined in the first place. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Recovery Resources:order on line available for some of the listed booksHazelden Catalog 1-800-257-7810Hazelden is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people recover from alcoholism and other drug addiction. We provide residential and outpatient treatment for adults and young people, programs for families affected by chemical dependency, and training for a variety of professionals. Hazelden is also known as the world's premier publisher of information on this subject and related areas.
Reading ListDaily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics Rokelle Lerner
Affirmations for the Inner Child
Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman When this groundbreaking book first appeared over ten years ago, Dr. Ackerman identified behavior patterns shared by daughters of alcoholics. Adult daughters of alcoholics-"perfect daughters" -operate from a base of harsh and limiting views of themselves and the world. Having learned that they must function perfectly in order to avoid unpleasant situations, these women often assume responsibility for the failures of others. They are drawn to chemically dependent men and are more likely to become addicted themselves. More than just a text that identifies these behavior patterns, this book collects the thoughts, feelings and experiences of twelve hundred perfect daughters, offering readers an opportunity to explore their own life's dynamics and thereby heal and grow. Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book 4th Edition by AA Services
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love Living Sober (#2150) by AA Services Struggle for Intimacy (Adult Children of Alcoholics series)
Adult Children : The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholicsby Herbert L. Gravitz, Julie D. Bowden
The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome : From Discovery to Recovery Synopsis: Kritsberg outlines a complete self-help recovery program based on his unique Family Integration System, with techniques such as exploring family myths, writing letters to oneself as a child, daily affirmations, and dialoguing with absent family members. Children of Alcoholism : A Survivor's Manual
Children of Alcoholics: A Critical Appraisal of Theory and Research This study offers a comprehensive, critical look at what is known and not known about children of alcoholics, and also constructs a model for assessing existing theory and introducing new methodological rigor into this field.
Evaluating and Treating Adult Children of Alcoholics
From Survival to Recovery: Growing up in an Alcoholic home :
Children of Alcoholics: As Youngsters--Adolescents--Adults: "It Will Never Happen to Me!" This "little green book," as it has come to be known to hundreds of thousands of C.O.A.'s and A.C.O.A.'s, is meant to help the reader understand the roles children in alcoholic families adopt, the problems they face in adulthood as a result, and what they can do to break the pattern of destruction.
Children of Alcoholics Adult Children of Alcoholics Synopsis: Ten years ago, Janet Woititz broke new ground in the understanding of the Adult Child of an alcoholic by listing the characteristics that ACoAs share. Here, in a new and expanded edition, the mother of the ACoA movement provides wisdom and information for all Adult Children of dysfunctional families. An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal Synopsis:A practical guide to begin dealing with the pain and trauma of being raisedin a dysfunctional family. Your parents may not have been able to teach youlifeskills but it is not too late to learn them now. This book will help thereader to learn how to respond to the challenges, problems and traps that they are faced with daily. 12 Steps for Adult Children by Friends in Recovery Forgiving Our Parents Forgiving Ourselves Healing the Shame That Binds You Synopsis:In an emotionally revealing way, Bradshaw shows us how toxic shame is the core problem in our compulsions, co-dependencies, addictions, and the drive to superachieve, resulting in the breakdown in the family system and ourinability to go forward with our lives. Homecoming : Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child Synopsis: The renowned self-help expert examines the significance of recovering one's "inner child" in order to overcome addictions and make possible spiritual growth, freedom, and a full adjustment to adulthood
Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families
Synopsis:The "Child Within" refers to that part of each of us which is ultimatelyalive, energetic, creative and fulfilled; it is our real self--who we trulyare. The author describes the journey of discovery and healing our fears,confusion, and unhappiness. Recovery of Your Inner Child : The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self
ACoA Sites on the Web Adult Children of Alcoholics World Wide Service Organization A.C.O.A (Adult Children of Alcoholics) The Awareness Center Certificate of the Right to Play suggestions or sites you would like to see added: email webwench@cougares.com |